Close Encounters of the 1916ᵗʰ Kind
Gerry Adams
raised the still beating heart of SkraK V’roul and unleashed a victorious roar
that could be heard half way across the galaxy. Below him lay the corpse of the
planet killing spider demon, its 9 trillion red eyes gazing lifelessly at its
bearded conqueror.
The
deafening sound of clapping and cheering filled the colosseum. The crowd
suddenly became silent as a high pitched voice announced:
“Earth warrior.
You were selected by our wise elders as the best of your kind. You have not
disappointed us. Name anything your heart desires. If it is within our power to
give, it is yours.”
“There are only
six things I desire…..but they are not yours to give. They were stolen from my
people and must be taken back by force.”
“Then we
will help you. Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed our show today.”
Gerry felt
his whole body tingle as he was beamed from the asteroid colosseum to the
nearby spaceship in orbit, where the Qfxgbdnlyp elders were gathered.
“Welcome
aboard noble Gerry of the House Adams” announced the leader of the Qfxgbdnlyp elders.
“That was an AMAZING showdown if I do say so myself. Our ratings will be
through the roof! I won’t lie, part of me was worried SkraK V’roul would make
short work of you, which would have made for a very boring episode. After all,
he has destroyed 18 planets and over 100 billion poor souls. But some of those things
you did, I’m still not quite sure what I saw with my own three eyes!”
“I learned most
of them from the IRA.”
“Oh yes you
mentioned them several times when we kidnapped you. You were their leader?”
“I am not,
nor have I ever been, a member of the IRA”
“I’m
confused”
“It doesn’t
matter.
“Anyway we
hope there are no hard feelings for abducting you. Our reality shows are harsh
but fair. You won your battle, so you keep your life and we will help you with whatever
it is you need. Name your price.”
“My people
are suffering greatly. One year ago a no deal Brexit destroyed the hard won
peace in my country. A steel wall was built between the six counties and the
Republic of Ireland, causing war to erupt between the Catholics and Protestants
in the North. The conflict escalated, with the rebirth of the IRA and the UK
declaring war on the Southern counties. Since then, millions have perished, law
and order has broken down and our economy is ruined. Many towns and villages
are now under the control of the TV licence inspectors, and no longer have
access to any websites or channels except RTE 1 and RTE 2.”
“So you want
us to give your people access to own television shows, so they can watch something
other than this RTE?”.
“No, I want
to fix my country. I want to make it so the British never set foot in Ireland
and conquered my brethren. I overheard your people have technology that can
manipulate spacetime. I would like to travel back 850 years to the Norman
invasion and use your spaceships to destroy their armies before they set foot
on Ireland’s shores.”
“I’m deeply sorry,
this technology is still in its infancy. It won’t currently allow us to travel forward
in time at all and we have only been able to travel backwards about a century
into the past at most.”
“That’s ok, I
have another idea.”
***********************Wednesday
26th April 1916************************
Padraig Pearse took cover as the shelling of the GPO continued.
Someone close by roared: "The Brit bastards have sent a battleship down the Liffey but today is not the day we die!"
"Stupid cunt" thought Pearse. He just wanted the fighting to stop so he could go home, this wasn't going at all like the others said it would. Several days of alternating between periods of intense violence, fear and boredom left him and his men smelling of sweat, shit and cum.
Suddenly there was a flash of green light from followed by a strange electrical sound. The shelling stopped. After half an hour of dead silence, Pearse and his some of his men moved cautiously out of the GPO to investigate.
A large number of British soldiers were kneeling on the ground with their hands above their heads. Beside them was one the strangest looking creature Pearse had ever seen. It was four feet tall, vaguely humanoid with three eyes, five arms, no clothes and six erect penises which were constantly changing colour.
A bearded man with haunting eyes stepped forward and spoke:
"A chara, it is an honour to meet the patriots of the Rising. This will be difficult for you to process but myself and my friend are from the year 2020. We have come back in time to save your revolution from defeat. The Ireland of my time is a divided and dark place still hurting from the actions of the British. I have fought demons beyond your imagining to come here and change that. I want to work together to create a new Ireland, where all 32 counties live in harmony, where there's no war, no poverty and no need to meet your mortgage repayments. Pearse, you are one of my heroes. I will follow your advice and listen to your wisdom. Where shall we start?"
Pearse sniffed his clothes: "Can I go home now?"
Gerry paused. "Em of course. We will catch up later."
After Pearse had left, the Qfxgbdnlyp leader turned to Gerry: "Well, what do you plan to do now?"
Gerry glanced around at the group of British soliders kneeling on the ground, too terrified to move, and replied:
"Exactly what I did to SkraK V’roul and payback for over 800 years of misery"
Throughout the night, the sound of shooting across Dublin city was replaced by the chilling sound of British screams and deep maniacal laughter.
A terrible beauty was born.
Padraig Pearse took cover as the shelling of the GPO continued.
Someone close by roared: "The Brit bastards have sent a battleship down the Liffey but today is not the day we die!"
"Stupid cunt" thought Pearse. He just wanted the fighting to stop so he could go home, this wasn't going at all like the others said it would. Several days of alternating between periods of intense violence, fear and boredom left him and his men smelling of sweat, shit and cum.
Suddenly there was a flash of green light from followed by a strange electrical sound. The shelling stopped. After half an hour of dead silence, Pearse and his some of his men moved cautiously out of the GPO to investigate.
A large number of British soldiers were kneeling on the ground with their hands above their heads. Beside them was one the strangest looking creature Pearse had ever seen. It was four feet tall, vaguely humanoid with three eyes, five arms, no clothes and six erect penises which were constantly changing colour.
A bearded man with haunting eyes stepped forward and spoke:
"A chara, it is an honour to meet the patriots of the Rising. This will be difficult for you to process but myself and my friend are from the year 2020. We have come back in time to save your revolution from defeat. The Ireland of my time is a divided and dark place still hurting from the actions of the British. I have fought demons beyond your imagining to come here and change that. I want to work together to create a new Ireland, where all 32 counties live in harmony, where there's no war, no poverty and no need to meet your mortgage repayments. Pearse, you are one of my heroes. I will follow your advice and listen to your wisdom. Where shall we start?"
Pearse sniffed his clothes: "Can I go home now?"
Gerry paused. "Em of course. We will catch up later."
After Pearse had left, the Qfxgbdnlyp leader turned to Gerry: "Well, what do you plan to do now?"
Gerry glanced around at the group of British soliders kneeling on the ground, too terrified to move, and replied:
"Exactly what I did to SkraK V’roul and payback for over 800 years of misery"
Throughout the night, the sound of shooting across Dublin city was replaced by the chilling sound of British screams and deep maniacal laughter.
A terrible beauty was born.
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